Last year, my New Year’s resolution was to be nice to Xtian for the whole year. Well that lasted I think an hour…maybe less…for no real reason really, maybe because I just cannot help myself. After a discussion this weekend about my blog, I decided to take a look back and read all my entries and it seems that even online I manage to be a total shit to the love of my life. Le sigh, le sigh.
Truth be told, despite the fact that he travels constantly and works even more (I work like a crazy person too so this is a bit of an unfair statement) Xtian treats me like a doll. He spoils me rotten, goes out of his way to give me everything I want even if it means he doesn’t and when I talk to any of his friends, work colleagues, et cetera they all tell me that he spends all of his time talking about how wonderful I am. So how do I act? Like a total jerk. I feel a little like one of those rotten children who kick their dotting parents in the shins as the parents proceed to tell you how adorable their child is.
So with all of this I will revisit my new year’s resolutions and modify them to state that one of the main focuses this year will be to be nice to Xtian. I am officially starting today and I think I have done pretty well so far. Because he does deserve an equally doting girlfriend...one that does not kick him in the shins as I have been known to do...oops.
Showing posts with label Christian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christian. Show all posts
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Open Letter to Christian
Dear Christian,
According to many bad made-for-tv movies and wikipedia, one of the steps to recovery of any addiction is accepting you are an addict or as they put it so eloquently “admitting that one cannot control one’s addiction or compulsion.” Today I have come to recognize that I am addicted to spending money on fancy shoes and you, my good sir, are a financial bad influence in my life.
You with your fancy salary and your even fancier shoes and your suggestions as to what would look SO FANTASTIC on me has pushed me over the edge into a downward spiral of money spending that can only end up with me in the proverbial gutter of some fancy department store purchasing the last patent leather Choos that are 2 sizes to big to me just because I have to have them.
Like a drug pusher, you gave me many a free “hit” to ensure my addiction from the onset and now I spend every free moment on shopping sites trying to get my latest fix. But no, no more! I refuse to end up a fashion statistic in this cold cruel world.
So after my shoe binge today I scoured the Internet to see if I could get some help and low and behold I found some steps on my path to recovery.
6 of the 12 steps because doing the full 12 is too much effort
According to many bad made-for-tv movies and wikipedia, one of the steps to recovery of any addiction is accepting you are an addict or as they put it so eloquently “admitting that one cannot control one’s addiction or compulsion.” Today I have come to recognize that I am addicted to spending money on fancy shoes and you, my good sir, are a financial bad influence in my life.
You with your fancy salary and your even fancier shoes and your suggestions as to what would look SO FANTASTIC on me has pushed me over the edge into a downward spiral of money spending that can only end up with me in the proverbial gutter of some fancy department store purchasing the last patent leather Choos that are 2 sizes to big to me just because I have to have them.
Like a drug pusher, you gave me many a free “hit” to ensure my addiction from the onset and now I spend every free moment on shopping sites trying to get my latest fix. But no, no more! I refuse to end up a fashion statistic in this cold cruel world.
So after my shoe binge today I scoured the Internet to see if I could get some help and low and behold I found some steps on my path to recovery.
6 of the 12 steps because doing the full 12 is too much effort
- admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion;
I think I always knew I had a problem, which is why I made a new year’s resolution to myself not to spend more than $100 on anything including shoes. 23 days into the new year I spend way over an entire paycheck on 2 pairs of shoes. Shoes, mind you, you were supportive of me getting…pusher. - recognizing a greater power that can give strength;
God, are you there? It’s me Gravy Train. According to the numerous religious paraphernalia that adorn my house, Jesus does not wear shoes on the cross so, as such, what would Jesus do? Well, not spend copious amounts of honeys on shoes that would still make his feet hurt I’ll tell you that much. - examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member);
I must find a sponsor but, like most addicts, I surround myself with other addicts, enablers like you if you will, which is why it is so hard to get better. I want to get better, I do, but I feel helpless in this cold cruel world. - making amends for these errors;
Dear bank account, sorry there are not more zeros behind the numbers that are thankfully still in black. I am also sorry to anyone else who I may have hurt in my crazed shoe obsession, and by hurt I mean accidentally stepped on because the shoes never hurt anyone (is this denial)? - learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior;
This is probably the hardest part of all of this and to be honest I don’t know how I can cope. You must learn to support me as I become frumpy girl in the payless shoes…okay, wait, no. I take that back Don’t ever support me in that endevor. - helping others that suffer from the same addictions or compulsions.
Babe, sorry but I have to tell you, you have a problem a shoe problem. We must get help together…I wonder if they have shoe rehab?
So there, there you have it, my wallet on my sleeve and I ask for your help during long drawn out recovery (at least until the spring lines come in).
Cheers and love,
Gravy Train
Thursday, January 17, 2008
A Taste of Married Life
When Xtian and I were engaged we agreed that we would move up to the city and live a fabulous city life. So given that his worked moved to the city we he thought it would be the appropriate time to start to look for a great place to live where we could be young and fabulous. So off we went and found this fabulously fantastic loft in the city that we could call home once we are married and he moved in and I stayed in the fabulous San Jose because I actually like living at home and hanging out with my family.
So given that I had to work in SF all week long on behalf of a client of mine and what better way to test the waters then to stay at the loft with my amour for a week to see how things go. Well, as I predicted life is exactly as I imagined…I am alone…constantly alone. Xtian travels…all the time…and although last week I was promised a full week without travel things, as always, changed and he is gone. Granted he was here 2 nights out of the 4 but still I went to bed alone because he worked all night long as I tossed and turned alone in this big bed that was meant for two.
Going to bed alone, coming home to an empty loft, eating dinner out of a box alone…is this really what I signed up for? I mean take away the bands and add a cat and isn’t this what being single in my 30’s would be about if say I were not getting married?
It must be nice to come home to someone, to have someone around to talk to and to laugh with and eat dinner with and perhaps this is why Xtian really wants me to move in. But as this “married test week” goes, I have spent more time alone than I have ever cared for and I feel terribly lonely and needy and I don’t really like it.
I know I am probably being unfair because he is a very generous man who truly adores me beyond my wildest dreams, but seriously, isn’t there something wrong here? Am I missing something?
So given that I had to work in SF all week long on behalf of a client of mine and what better way to test the waters then to stay at the loft with my amour for a week to see how things go. Well, as I predicted life is exactly as I imagined…I am alone…constantly alone. Xtian travels…all the time…and although last week I was promised a full week without travel things, as always, changed and he is gone. Granted he was here 2 nights out of the 4 but still I went to bed alone because he worked all night long as I tossed and turned alone in this big bed that was meant for two.
Going to bed alone, coming home to an empty loft, eating dinner out of a box alone…is this really what I signed up for? I mean take away the bands and add a cat and isn’t this what being single in my 30’s would be about if say I were not getting married?
It must be nice to come home to someone, to have someone around to talk to and to laugh with and eat dinner with and perhaps this is why Xtian really wants me to move in. But as this “married test week” goes, I have spent more time alone than I have ever cared for and I feel terribly lonely and needy and I don’t really like it.
I know I am probably being unfair because he is a very generous man who truly adores me beyond my wildest dreams, but seriously, isn’t there something wrong here? Am I missing something?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Lost Chronicles: Friday's Post
Last night was Xtian’s holiday party. Always a fabulous event with dinner at somewhere awesome and drinking at somewhere not so awesome. This year was no exception…dinner at the OMG so tasty Fleur de Lys followed by drinking binge at the douchy Slide. So below a quick recap, sports style, of the fête that was Xtian’s holiday party.
Highlight: Xtian’s holiday party
Lowlight: It was Thursday night and I have to work the next day
Highlight: The five-course dinner with wine paring.
Lowlight: I promised my trainer I would only eat half of each course and 2 glasses of wine. Well at least I did only eat half of each of my courses…the wine on the other hand not so much.
Highlight: VP’s date wearing the cocktail dress I wore to last year’s holiday party…same color and everything
Lowlight: Discovering this chick was totally nice and Canadian…I heart Canadians but I will save that for a later post
Highlight: Interesting cocktail and dinner conversations with very smart people
Lowlights: Listening to a discussion about men and how they handle their sweat followed by bedroom habits of the rich and not so famous
Highlight: A moment on the dance floor with xtian where everyone seemed to disappear
Lowlight: We were at Slide
Highlight: Xtian’s holiday party
Lowlight: It was Thursday night and I have to work the next day
Highlight: The five-course dinner with wine paring.
Lowlight: I promised my trainer I would only eat half of each course and 2 glasses of wine. Well at least I did only eat half of each of my courses…the wine on the other hand not so much.
Highlight: VP’s date wearing the cocktail dress I wore to last year’s holiday party…same color and everything
Lowlight: Discovering this chick was totally nice and Canadian…I heart Canadians but I will save that for a later post
Highlight: Interesting cocktail and dinner conversations with very smart people
Lowlights: Listening to a discussion about men and how they handle their sweat followed by bedroom habits of the rich and not so famous
Highlight: A moment on the dance floor with xtian where everyone seemed to disappear
Lowlight: We were at Slide
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Power of the Key Stroke
Saturday night I made a nice healthy gourmet dinner for the fam. courtesy of Self magazine that looked way more gourmet in the glossy than what I actually put on the table but whatever. I had a blast making it with my eldest nephew so there you go. After dinner, Christian (the fiancé) and I sat alone at my kitchen table and began discussing my desire to start a new blog. He has a blog, a fact I think I kinda knew about when we were first dating, but I had never dared ask to see the contents…until now.
He read to me an entry he had wrote the day after he told me he was in love with me. Listening to him read it aloud, in his own words and in his own tone, brought back so many memories of our life together so far. I remember that night, I am surprised I do since I was pretty drunk off of carpirinahs, but I remember everything about it. I remember how he told me he loved me, how I was the only one for him, how we were meant to be together forever and how goose bumps covered my entire body. I remembered how young we were then, how different everything seemed and how only a few short months later he would break my heart.
I sat there looking at him elated to recount those words to me now and wondered if he would feel the same way I did if I sat and read him my own first blog…a barrage of heartache and sorrow where he played the main star. Would he would feel the same nostalgia? Would he would feel happy that we are in a better place now? Or would he feel like I just need to get over it already since it has been years?
We sat and talked about the old days, old blogs and old memories (only the good ones) over crappy gift wine and I felt a sense of closeness to him that I always feel during conversations like these. I felt relieved that I had deleted that first blog because this is a much better place now and, yes, I need to get over it.
It is funny the paths that life takes us through and how things like blogs can take us back to a time when we were different. Maybe this is the ultimate reason why I want to start this blog…to document new memories I can look back on years later. A lot has happened since that one blog post and it would go without saying that we have both changed in various ways. The judgments have gotten better, the paychecks bigger, the clothes nicer, and the love stronger (despite the heartbreak)…but it is nice to know that he can cover me with goose bumps years later. I love you baby.
He read to me an entry he had wrote the day after he told me he was in love with me. Listening to him read it aloud, in his own words and in his own tone, brought back so many memories of our life together so far. I remember that night, I am surprised I do since I was pretty drunk off of carpirinahs, but I remember everything about it. I remember how he told me he loved me, how I was the only one for him, how we were meant to be together forever and how goose bumps covered my entire body. I remembered how young we were then, how different everything seemed and how only a few short months later he would break my heart.
I sat there looking at him elated to recount those words to me now and wondered if he would feel the same way I did if I sat and read him my own first blog…a barrage of heartache and sorrow where he played the main star. Would he would feel the same nostalgia? Would he would feel happy that we are in a better place now? Or would he feel like I just need to get over it already since it has been years?
We sat and talked about the old days, old blogs and old memories (only the good ones) over crappy gift wine and I felt a sense of closeness to him that I always feel during conversations like these. I felt relieved that I had deleted that first blog because this is a much better place now and, yes, I need to get over it.
It is funny the paths that life takes us through and how things like blogs can take us back to a time when we were different. Maybe this is the ultimate reason why I want to start this blog…to document new memories I can look back on years later. A lot has happened since that one blog post and it would go without saying that we have both changed in various ways. The judgments have gotten better, the paychecks bigger, the clothes nicer, and the love stronger (despite the heartbreak)…but it is nice to know that he can cover me with goose bumps years later. I love you baby.
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