How is it that I can be strong at work and in academics but completely lose my shit when it comes to my personal life? I guess it is because I have been coddled my entire life. By my parents, my sister, my boyfriends…even my friends to an extent. So what am I supposed to do now that I have to be the strong one in the family…in the relationship? I feel a little like a what I imagine a fish out of water would feel like, frantically grasping for air, not knowing if it will be able to make it or not.
Maybe it is the fact that it is pouring rain outside, or maybe that it is closely approaching xmas. Perhaps it is the fact that my mom is not doing so great these days and that xtian’s dad isn’t either. Or maybe, just maybe, that I have made it a bad habit in the last 29 years of my life to totally live in fear of “what might happen” even though I am not sure what that “might” entails exactly.
Whatever the reason I feel like crap lately. I can’t sleep, I can’t focus properly, heck I can’t really finish a sentence without the sudden urge to bust into tears and my normal network of coddle enablers have bigger fish to fry with their own issues. I feel alone and scared that I have been forced to step-up to the plate, a position I have never felt comfortable being in, and be the strong guiding force I know I really can’t be…not in my personal life anyway.
I want desperately for things to go back to they way they were…to a time when I was young and naïve, when people worried for me and not the other way around. I want to be that self-absorbed little twat I used to be whose main worry in life was a broken nail. The sad harsh reality is that I know that I can’t go back to that…ever…and that at my ripe old age I have to grow up and that my friends is a scary proposition. Sigh.
Showing posts with label Sappy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sappy. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Power of the Key Stroke
Saturday night I made a nice healthy gourmet dinner for the fam. courtesy of Self magazine that looked way more gourmet in the glossy than what I actually put on the table but whatever. I had a blast making it with my eldest nephew so there you go. After dinner, Christian (the fiancé) and I sat alone at my kitchen table and began discussing my desire to start a new blog. He has a blog, a fact I think I kinda knew about when we were first dating, but I had never dared ask to see the contents…until now.
He read to me an entry he had wrote the day after he told me he was in love with me. Listening to him read it aloud, in his own words and in his own tone, brought back so many memories of our life together so far. I remember that night, I am surprised I do since I was pretty drunk off of carpirinahs, but I remember everything about it. I remember how he told me he loved me, how I was the only one for him, how we were meant to be together forever and how goose bumps covered my entire body. I remembered how young we were then, how different everything seemed and how only a few short months later he would break my heart.
I sat there looking at him elated to recount those words to me now and wondered if he would feel the same way I did if I sat and read him my own first blog…a barrage of heartache and sorrow where he played the main star. Would he would feel the same nostalgia? Would he would feel happy that we are in a better place now? Or would he feel like I just need to get over it already since it has been years?
We sat and talked about the old days, old blogs and old memories (only the good ones) over crappy gift wine and I felt a sense of closeness to him that I always feel during conversations like these. I felt relieved that I had deleted that first blog because this is a much better place now and, yes, I need to get over it.
It is funny the paths that life takes us through and how things like blogs can take us back to a time when we were different. Maybe this is the ultimate reason why I want to start this blog…to document new memories I can look back on years later. A lot has happened since that one blog post and it would go without saying that we have both changed in various ways. The judgments have gotten better, the paychecks bigger, the clothes nicer, and the love stronger (despite the heartbreak)…but it is nice to know that he can cover me with goose bumps years later. I love you baby.
He read to me an entry he had wrote the day after he told me he was in love with me. Listening to him read it aloud, in his own words and in his own tone, brought back so many memories of our life together so far. I remember that night, I am surprised I do since I was pretty drunk off of carpirinahs, but I remember everything about it. I remember how he told me he loved me, how I was the only one for him, how we were meant to be together forever and how goose bumps covered my entire body. I remembered how young we were then, how different everything seemed and how only a few short months later he would break my heart.
I sat there looking at him elated to recount those words to me now and wondered if he would feel the same way I did if I sat and read him my own first blog…a barrage of heartache and sorrow where he played the main star. Would he would feel the same nostalgia? Would he would feel happy that we are in a better place now? Or would he feel like I just need to get over it already since it has been years?
We sat and talked about the old days, old blogs and old memories (only the good ones) over crappy gift wine and I felt a sense of closeness to him that I always feel during conversations like these. I felt relieved that I had deleted that first blog because this is a much better place now and, yes, I need to get over it.
It is funny the paths that life takes us through and how things like blogs can take us back to a time when we were different. Maybe this is the ultimate reason why I want to start this blog…to document new memories I can look back on years later. A lot has happened since that one blog post and it would go without saying that we have both changed in various ways. The judgments have gotten better, the paychecks bigger, the clothes nicer, and the love stronger (despite the heartbreak)…but it is nice to know that he can cover me with goose bumps years later. I love you baby.
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