How is it that I can be strong at work and in academics but completely lose my shit when it comes to my personal life? I guess it is because I have been coddled my entire life. By my parents, my sister, my boyfriends…even my friends to an extent. So what am I supposed to do now that I have to be the strong one in the family…in the relationship? I feel a little like a what I imagine a fish out of water would feel like, frantically grasping for air, not knowing if it will be able to make it or not.
Maybe it is the fact that it is pouring rain outside, or maybe that it is closely approaching xmas. Perhaps it is the fact that my mom is not doing so great these days and that xtian’s dad isn’t either. Or maybe, just maybe, that I have made it a bad habit in the last 29 years of my life to totally live in fear of “what might happen” even though I am not sure what that “might” entails exactly.
Whatever the reason I feel like crap lately. I can’t sleep, I can’t focus properly, heck I can’t really finish a sentence without the sudden urge to bust into tears and my normal network of coddle enablers have bigger fish to fry with their own issues. I feel alone and scared that I have been forced to step-up to the plate, a position I have never felt comfortable being in, and be the strong guiding force I know I really can’t be…not in my personal life anyway.
I want desperately for things to go back to they way they were…to a time when I was young and naïve, when people worried for me and not the other way around. I want to be that self-absorbed little twat I used to be whose main worry in life was a broken nail. The sad harsh reality is that I know that I can’t go back to that…ever…and that at my ripe old age I have to grow up and that my friends is a scary proposition. Sigh.
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