Smackdown: Oranges and Apples

One of my SERIOUS guilty pleasures in life is bad reality TV. In particular Bravo TV shows - I don’t know why they are just so good. So you can only imagine how depressed I am that The Real Housewives of Orange County is over. Well lucky for me the NYC spin-off just started this week, but the jury is still out for me if I can get behind this new show.

So I decided that before I make any rash decisions I should compare oranges to apples (ha ha, see what I did there?) to see what it is that I am really not vibing on. So without further ado let the show smack-down begin.

The Cash Money

Orange: In the last three seasons, we have seen some of the ladies struggle with cash flow issues stemming from cheapskate hubbies who left them high and dry or well really husbands are the only reason for loss of wealth. We also saw a few of them hold their own in a variety of biz ventures that included real estate, insurance and remarrying rich…in that order.

Apple: These ladies make their money the old fashion way, by marring it and then landing cush divorces (take note orange ladies) and remarrying richer. There is still not enough background to find out if any of these chicks actually worked at any point in time for their living but it sure as heck does not seem that way.

Winner: You can give a man a fish and he can eat for one day. You can teach a man to fish and he can eat for a lifetime. As such I will give this one to Orange because although they may not have the pedigree backgrounds that the Apples do, they do not mind rolling up there sleeves and getting down to the nitty gritty to get back on top (either on their own or through marriage).

The Parties

Orange: Two words…Hugh Hefner

Apple: Two words…The Met

Winner: Two words…Hugh Hefner. There is something about the orange lifestyle that appeals A LOT to me...lots of cocktails and outrageous train wreck behavior without the need to be uppity. You can often see the housewives of OC yelling “woo hoo” at the top of their lungs in restaurants, bars, church, et cetera; getting freak nasty on the dance floor even though at their age it is no longer appropriate; and going to Lake Havasu to go boating while continuing drinking, tanning and yelling “woo hoo” at the top of their lungs. I just pretty much described all of my friends there.

In contrast, you can see the housewives of NYC going to charity events at fancy places, hob knobbing with politicos for a cause or throwing “dinner parties” where they can each judge each other while totally high on downers (I assume). I just described all of Xtian’s colleagues’/friends’ wives there. Sadly, I think I just described my social life as well. Note to self - become funnly irresponsible again.

The Bodies

Orange: Fake boobs, orange tans, boxoty foreheads and the longest strands of blonde south of LA. Juicy is “couture” because of the “OC” where skimpy causal is the only way to dress…skimpy casual with lots of bling of course because after all there needs to be a way to differentiate themselves from the poor skimpy hoes. Standard cliché brands dominate like Gucci, LV and Rolex.

Apple: Waif and pale is totally in meanwhile the plastic, while rampant, is kept totally hush hush. Think glamorous with a touch of tacky. Versace, Missoni and other designers known for wild prints make their mark with these NYC ladies. Sexy is done tastefully with a touch of daring without being too skimpy. Additionally, these ladies will not think twice about skinning a cheetah to make the latest winter coat as long as there is a credible and well known designer attached to the label…after all it is cold in New York.

Winner: There is a reason the beach boys sang the song “I wish they all could be California girls” and for me nothing is better than being tan and bombed (ha ha). I love to be demure with a touch of an elegant sexiness understatement but when push comes to shove give me a tanning spray booth, gold lame and tight jeans any day.

The Offspring

Orange: These kids are totally pampered rejects…think rehab, failed modeling careers, dressing in monkey suits (literal monkey suits) and going to community college. Classy. If we learned anything form OC or that one MTV show, Laguna Nigel is it, is that 9 out of 10 of these reality orange kids don’t actually want to finish an accredited university…they were raised by the school of soft and fluffy-knocks and they like it that way. I blame peroxide, sun rays and pot…in that order.

Apple: Nothing but the best private schools and ivy league colleges money can buy. Kids have privé français toutors since the age of 1 and are well on their way to playing Chopin by the age of 5. These are the future investment bankers, lawyers, C-level execs and other douche/douchette types we will all eventually encounter in the Marina and that I will eventually date, let’s be honest here.

Winner: As much as I want to give this to Orange, I just know that my kids (shall I have any) will fall into the latter Apple category. Just look my nephews Elias and Tobias who are weekend parented by me. They have a plentitude of musical instruments, attend theater and dance classes and have weekly language lessons that include French, Spanish and Portuguese if there is time. Sigh, I give this to New York, blast you and your “culture” (as I sip on an expresso while watching a foreign flick on DVD).

So, it looks like all all and all the ladies of the OC have my vote. Of course, I will still watch the NYC version but it just is not as good as the first (although already a lot more catty...rawr).